Friday, March 11, 2011

Prayer 101

Lesson 1 - Prophylactic Prayer: When thousands of people pray to God to protect them from things like tsunamis, he will do so by instead drowning thousands of OTHER people who pray to Him to protect them. You should feel a great sense of accomplishment, for your praying totally slays the competition's.

Lesson 2 - Retroactive Prayers of Thanks: When there is a major catastrophe caused by an 'Act of God', make sure the survivors thank this God for protecting them from His 'Act'. Or at least 'act' like they're thankful.

Lesson 3 - Intercessory Prayer: When someone is dying in the hospital, rather than send them money to help pay their bills, you should ask God to heal them, because prayer totally works, despite all the studies that show that this has the same effect as doing absolutely nothing. If they still die anyway, make sure you change your stance and say that God was doing His will. You can't lose, this way.

Lesson 4 - Prayers of Petition: When you want your favorite sports team to win the big game, ask God to guide the hands of the players. When they win, you'll be content in the pride and satisfaction that even though those starving children were praying for help too, they just didn't pray as well as you did. Pat yourself on the back for a job well done.

Lesson 5 - Prayers of Praise/Penitence: God is, by his own admission, jealous and needy when it comes to your love and respect. You must always tell him what a champ he is, and that his penis is much bigger than that dumb old Buddha's, or Zeus'. Also remember to apologize profusely when you've committed an almost unforgiveable abomination, such as putting the wrong kind of genitals in your mouth, or eating shrimp.

Next week's class: The Inherent Evil in Lower Lifeforms - Lesson 1 - How women have doomed us to suffer, because of their incessant wish to be treated like actual humans.